Can you tell me what this drawing is?

profanexfigment @ 2009-12-25T00:06:00

2009-12-25T05:06:38Z

so this certainly wasn't my happiest christmas ever, I would certainly have loved to have my brother here with me, and splitting up with carlynn makes the whole thing very bittersweet. I'm glad to have time with just my family but I'm going to have to get used to being alone.
This christmas did however have it's highlights.
I didn't ask for anything this year, so I had no idea what I would be getting, but I'm really happy with the stuff my parents got.
-cute comfy plaid teal button down
-new messenger bag for classes
- a little personal table for my laptop (which I am currently using)
-bath stuff
-art supplies.
other highlights:
-my mother opened a bottle of white wine form 1983, (another benefit to this laptop desk is that is gives me someplace to put my wineglass while I'm online)
-my mother lost the baby jesus from our nativity set and proceeded to accuse me and my father of robbing her of her savior.
-I got to video chat with Gus and Jaime for a while before dinner.
All in all, a good night and hopefully a sign of a good year to come.
Happy holidays guys.

Ultimate Book List

2009-12-16T05:04:37Z

Hello internets. So this is a book list I've been putting together of things I have to read/finish reading, I figured I'd share the list and see if there's any good books missing, or if you guys have any opinions about the ones already on there (ie that's a good one, put that at the top of the list, or that book did not tickle my literary pickle)
Oh, and I'm lazy so go ahead and pretend all titles are underlined.

Love in the Time of Cholera
Brothers Karamizov
Acidhouse
Nothing Like the Sun
Haunted
El Plan Infinito
The Sun Also Rises
Born Standing Up
Middlesex
Feminine Mystique
Haunting of Hill House
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Dharma Bums
Lovely Bones
Johnny Got his Gun
Texaco
The Death of Ivan Illych
Cat's Cradle
The Master and Margherita
Candide
Lamb
Shutter Island
Think Good Omens
Songs of the Doomed
Wrinkle in Time
Bladerunner
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Vanity Fair
Perfume
Canterbury Tales
Franny and Zooey

In related news, I have a job! At a candy shop! Full of candy! Carlynn's looking up classes, one of the professors at her school is named Popov. Amazing. More later you silly cyber world.

profanexfigment @ 2009-12-03T02:26:00

2009-12-03T07:26:58Z

Just had another exhilarating discussion with my father about gay marriage. This is all stemming from the fact that while my mom and I were out shopping today 2 girls in front of us kept using the word "faggot", my mom steered me into the dressing room and while I was trying on clothes she apparently went back out there and confronted them. My father did not support her decision to do so.
I know I have it so much easier than a lot of other people in my position. My parents never hit me for being gay, or kicked me out, and condemned or demeaned any girl I brought home. I am grateful for this, truly. But the truth of the matter is my father's attitude towards me is indifferent at it's very best. Gay marriage could be legalized tomorrow or never, it wouldn't garner much of a reaction form him either way. He's always been rather indifferent towards me, well no, that sounds too personal, my father is an all around indifferent man.
I'm not saying it to be cruel, it's a truth I've had to come to terms with after so many years of crying and screaming in front of him and getting no reaction whatsoever. I don't know why I still feel surprise when I tell him something particularly hard or hurtful that has happened to me in the past and he doesn't react. I'm not sure where exactly I'm going with this entry. There's a silver lining somewhere but I'm too tired to find it tonight.
Good night series of tubes

profanexfigment @ 2009-11-09T18:09:00

2009-11-09T23:13:22Z

Slick like blind faith, now I'm praying to folds
Collecting the secrets the crevices hold
Seventeen mountain side-steps to the trail

And it's a smooth sail from there.

Lids drop lower to the rain-beat-pane-drum
I will be there to hold her when the floods come.

To all my beautiful girls.

2009-10-20T05:50:08Z

Alright, so this was almost like every other night, where I sign on, read everyone's entries and totally wimp out on updating my own. It's really more of a laziness thing, but I think the timing of this one is just too appropriate to ignore.

I came home today and realized that for the first time in a long time I'm really happy with my body image. I mean I haven't been really self-deprecating about it in a long time, but I've still had a good amount of issues. Just because I can recognize the cultural and media influences in my perception of beauty doesn't mean I can irradicate them. Naming a demon doesn't necessarily kill it.

Tonight was Danielle's birthday and that always means getting more dolled up than I would to hang out with any other group of friends because even if we were just going down the street those girls always take 12435234 pictures. I was designated driver and when I was dropping everyone off Alyssa made a comment on how I had looked really cute/sexy that night. I think it was the combination of that compliment and having just gotten home from a weekend with Carlynn that made me realize that I look good. I had been stressing so hard when I first got home because I had spent the entire weekend eating junk, and was freaking out about how much I'd have to compensate this week. And while I still plan on going back to eating healthy (I'm pretty sure Miller light/pizza rolls can only keep a body running for so long), I feel really beautiful.

I thought this idea was pretty trite, and that I should probably keep this entry to myself, but when I went on and saw multiple entries from other girls about appearances I decided to post. So to the ladies that read this; Nicole, Becky, Ashley, Gabby, Steph, Elyse, Lucy (don't know if you ever still come one here) you are all FUCKING GORGEOUS. Trust me, I know you.

sleeeeeeep.

2009-09-17T15:17:35Z

Alright so I leave for NC in a couple of hours, which is exciting, but I'm utterly exhausted. I just drove back from the gulf coast on monday and was starting to get back into the swing of things, but september is just bound to be a hectic month.

either way, I will be back on monday and should be staying put for a while, I need to get in my transfer application to FAU and do some more job hunting but other than that I don't have much to do with myself. I think having some kind of project would be fun, but I find it harder to get motivated to do artsy stuff when I'm alone. If anyone's got ideas I'm all ears.

Smooth sails

2009-09-08T05:49:59Z

Good news, kids I found out when my brother comes home today. He's getting into NC on the 18th which is perfect since that is also Chile's Independence Day, so hopefully I'll be with him for that. This was all in all a very nice weekend, Carlynn came here on thursday and left just an hour ago. On Friday we went over to steph's and played apples to apples while smoking an obscene amount, and yesterday was awesome, we watched Coraline with my parents then I got a whole bunch of people over here, my mom tried to feed everyone regardless of whether or not they were hungry, example:

-chris, are you hungry?
-oh, no, thank you, I just ate.
-alright.
*reappears 2 minutes later with a plate of chicken*

and so on. Afterwards we went to Robbie's and drank a bit, I learned the subtleties of "drink or drown" and I originally had wanted everyone to play kickball, but they weren't having it, instead we all jumped into the pool.

All in all, lots of fun, but I still have every intention of hosting an inebriated kickball tournament. Takers?

yeah, so....

2009-08-29T08:35:41Z

oh, I've seen stranger days

2009-02-17T03:21:01Z

For the most part I feel pretty invisible at school most days, and I was finally getting accustomed to the contrast it had to high school, where I felt like I couldn't achieve privacy on campus if you paid me. So today caught me totally off guard, I had a girl in astronomy and in another girl in poetry tell me I was smart which was a nice esteem boost, especially since I've never even spoken to them.

The real oddity was when I was waiting for my first class, I'm sitting outside with my headphones on, listening to my cd player (no, I won't give into your mp3 worship) When this kid from one of my classes last semester (also who I have never spoken to), comes up to me and says "here give these a listen", and hands me 2 CDs held together with a rubber band. I asked if it was his band and he said no, and walked away. I read the note inside he wrote:

"I guess I never took the oppurtunity to get yo know you in Roundy's class, but you definately came across as someone who enjoyed some good music, and that's awesome in my book"

And some other stuff but that's pretty much the gist of it. While we never had a one on one conversation I was pretty open in class discussions, so I was openly the gay girl in class and such, so I really doubt this is anything other than a friendly advance. I think the guy's pretty ballsy, most people (present company at times included) are scared to even say hey to strangers, but he managed to give a complete stranger a pretty handmade gift without coming off creepy.

I'm thinking I'll just him a mix back, it would be pretty interesting to see how long I could maintain a friendship simply through musical exchange and annotation without ever speaking directly.

profanexfigment @ 2009-02-03T21:43:00

2009-02-04T02:45:14Z

My father encourages Bush's decision to have vetoed stem cell research, claiming that stem cell researchers are the modern equivalent to Nazi scientists (consequently throwing my mother into a screaming fit). I don't know whether to laugh or cry, I need to get out of this house.

La vita bella

2008-11-05T20:09:07Z

I've been having a pretty awesome week, this Halloween really made up for last year. Friday night was Zombie manhunt at Alina's house.
<-Carlynn's amazing zombie teeth.

And while Orlando conspired against me every time I got inside my car, I had a really good time, Saturday was Halloween horror nights with Missy, Chris, Paul and Lee, then Carlynn and I crashed at Fabian's. We sat around and had a couple beers and I passed out to interview with a vampire around 3 in the morning. I got to see my brother, and everyone who had moved away to Orlando. I was a little sad when I realized how many people had moved away, but yesterday helped with that. Seeing Missy and Ashley at FAU, and knowing Anthony comes back today, helps me realize I still have a tight little circle down here. Though I do hope everyone comes together over the next break.

<-...brains...

profanexfigment @ 2008-10-28T23:55:00

2008-10-29T04:07:17Z

I do appreciate the comedy in the Colbert Report, if I didn't I wouldn't have it on so often. But it is aggravating how he keeps in character when he's interviewing genuinely interesting people. He's got Sherman Alexie on right now, and a while back he was interviewing Junot Diaz (love), and he kept cutting them off. I get it, you're satirical, and you're funny, but sometimes I wish he could switch to genuine interview mode becuase he has some of the best guests.
Anthony dropped me off at home, and realized he was too tired to drive back just yet, so he's currently sleeping on my bed. He's snoring a little bit, it reminds me of when he still lived down the street, and he's show up all the time and pass out in random spots in my house. I have to wake him up, it's been a little over an hour and I'd like to get some sleep.

RobinDaHood is outie.

Much belated update.

2008-09-22T13:53:49Z

I'm currently putting off my portfolio work for computer literacy, I've been awake since four this morning. To be totally honest I'm thinking about getting a prescription for sleeping pills, it's pretty depressing that I can't regulate my sleeping habits on my own, but it's starting to cut into my school schedule so I might just have to bite the bullet on this one and seek medical assistance.

Starbucks reviews their job applications today, so I'll whether or not I got the job soon, (Cross your fingers for me, I'd rather not end up at panera). My mom lost her job recently, and even though we got a good deal on a shady minivan, my dad had to sell his honda, so we're working with limited cars at the moment. She'll be leaving to go to Chile in a couple of weeks for about a month. Life with just me and my dad is pretty mundane, we ahrldy speak and he can barely take care of himself. So it'll be a month of cup of noodles and me running away to Boca every chance I get.

Elyse, if you're reading this, we have to do a reschedule for the beach, I grow paler by the minute. I was looking at pictures from about a month ago and I'm noticing a definite drop in hispanaity.

Nicole, if you read this, you suck becuase we never got to hang out while you went here, would you wanna swap care packages with me?

Becky, if you read this, where is my mix?

Ashley, if you read this, I own Donnie Darko, you just need to kidnap Missy and bring booze.

profanexfigment @ 2008-06-26T21:50:00

2008-06-27T01:52:18Z

ITS ALMOST JAVIS BIRTHDAY! ITS ALMOST JAVIS BIRTHDAY!! IT'S ALMOST JAVIS BIRTHDAY!!!
AND WE'RE GOING TO SEE WALL-E AT MIDNIIIIGHHTTT OMGGGZZZZZ OWEJWLTGJG JGFGDLFNB
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
HOLLERZ
IM SO HYPEEEERRRZZZZZZZZZ

LOOOLAAZZZZ

<3 ELYSE

poopsicle

2008-04-18T21:51:33Z

I am a giant poopface. full of poo.

INCUBULA

Missy most definitely did not write this.

I'm a Wonderlust King.

2008-04-03T13:39:33Z

Right now I'm supposed to be typing up my second draft of a comparative poetry essay for my english teacher. It's strange how motivation shifts.
In the beginning of this semester I was more excited about english then I was about any other class, but my enthusiasm died out pretty quickly (beaten to death by my teacher). My problem is the impossible standard to which I hold the teachers, I want them to be strict but fair, productive but endlessly interesting. Preferably with an accent, I essentially want them to embody the idea of professors literature has painted for me. Instead he's average, relies strongly on the internet to teach lessons and always stresses "I realize that most of you don't care about literature/poetry/drama/english..."
So now it's 2 hours before I leave for class and I don't have a second draft. Instead I study religiously for math, the subject I suspected I would loathe. At least I see some glimmer of enthusiasm from the teacher, and can actually see my progress. The last essay I got back had no criticism, in the end he even congratulated me "You should be very proud of yourself, this is a graduate level paper", what the fuck am I supposed to take away from that?

I better get on it, if I plan to transfer.

Estamos llegando, chu wai chu wai

2008-03-27T18:12:21Z

My brother comes home next month, I really can't wait to see him. Classes have been going all right, my mom's spending the weekend in Chile. Everything feels like it's on repeat some weeks, baby steps.
Sara came down and stayed at my house a couple of nights, we taled a lot, it was really good for me. Strange how regardless of how close I become to my newer friends she can show up out of nowhere and she just understands me better. At times I feel like she just understands most things better, or at least I can agree with her perspective on things much better then I can with most people. She mentioned a road trip to the west coast she planned on doing over the summer, I'd really love to pull off something like that in the future.
hopefully I'll get to go to Rothbury this summer, a week in Michigan would be amazing. None of these thought have really been all that coherent, in my defense I'm pretty sick at the moment so I'm having troulbe concentrating. You know, all tired and doped up on cough medicine.

On that note I'm going to lay down before work.

Mouth full of stitches.

2008-02-20T22:44:01Z

So I got my wisdom teeth out on monday, I could have gone back to class today but I felt all puffy and crappy this morning so I ended up staying home again. I have been using my loads of personal time to try and reinvent my taste in music, both by listening to totally new albums and albums I knew I loved at one point and am trying to see if I still have a relationship with now.
My Current playlist as of right now looks a little like this:
The Fiery Furnaces- Bitter Tea (new for me)
Talking Heads- More songs about buildings and food (also new for me)
Beck- Mellow Gold (been telling myself to listen to this album the whole way through for months)
Flaming Lips- Yoshimi battles the pink robots (old flame)
Dead Prez- Let's Get Free (Tapping back into freshman year angst)
Stiff Little Fingers- Inflammable Material (more flashback material)
Needless to say I'm a little all over the place with my selection.
If you've got an album worth checking out please leave me the name, I've got nothing but time over here.
Love you guys.

Jacked from Nicole

2008-02-05T22:08:38Z

Pwease fill it out?

Pretty please with sugar on top,

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.

2) What was your dream growing up?
A.

3) What talent do you wish you had?
A.

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.

5) Favorite vegetable?
A.

6) What was the last book you read?
A.

7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A.

9) Worst Habit?
A.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.

11) What is your favorite sport?
A.

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.

16) Do you have any pets?
A.

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.

18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.

22) What color eyes do you have?
A.

23) Ever been arrested?
A.

24) Bottle or can soda?
A.

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A.

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A.

30) Do you swear a lot?
A.

31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.

35) Do you believe in God?
A.

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A.

Greetings from D'*********

2008-01-26T20:49:24Z

All right, so I'm typing this out at work, which means I should probably keep it brief.
(I got a new job as a receptionist at a hair salon, it's a sweet job but since they only just opened yesterday we're getting no customers).
Things are all pretty stable for me right now, this job should last for a while, I'm doing all right in my classes, but I can't shake off this persistant anxiety. As if I'm terribly late for something, but I can't figure out what it is. Truth is when younger I would have pictured myself something far more exciting by this age. I wanted to end up beautifully tragic, running away, skipping town, something epic. I debate with myself constantly as to whether or not this kind of stability would label me as average, if this sense of responsibility stems from a genuine concern for my well-being, or a result of the guilt I'd feel for not turning out the way my family would want me (an idea that only inrecent years has really begun to direct my thinking).

This whole self analysis could also just as easilybe caused by five hours behind a desk with little to no work to be done. For the most part I'm just Lady Chablis-ing this one.
Two tears in a bucket, Motherfuck it.

profanexfigment @ 2007-12-29T01:54:00

2007-12-29T06:55:39Z

There's a huge valley in the middle of nowhere, palms to the north, mountains to the south and the ocean lays on either side. There's a network of dirt roads scarred across the plain and I'm standing in the middle of it.
All the people are huddled around me, (and they're standing much {much} too close), there's whispers and screams, some in tongues I've yet to learn. Our flesh feels too hot packed together during the day, it's stifling beneath the sun.
At night the mountains bring gusts of cold and I need their warmth to make it through, they come with waves of protective embraces, the safe brush of lips. But as the night progresses the cold becomes unbearable and I pull all the people in too tight, aggression rises as their touch becomes rougher. Now they're shoving and groping, their breath is hot and heavy, some are crying, some are scolding, now there's pleasure, now there's guilt. I feel my body getting much too large for so small a patch between the crossroads...
And suddenly I feel like I'd rather brave the cold.

La mujer mas linda que el mundo nunca vio.

2007-12-05T05:19:51Z

So I was trying to catch some sleep last night before work when I heard the phone go off at an ungodly hour, I asked myself who would call my house phone at 4 in the morning but seeing as how it got answered after 2 rings and I didn't have the energy to investigate I went back to bed. Turns out that was roughly the time that my grandmother passed away.
I haven't mentioned the specifics to many people, becuase I didn't see the point. But now that's it's all kind of over I think a little hindsight will help ease my mind.
For those of you who don't know, my mom's been out of the country for about 2 months now to take care of my grandmother. She's had breast cancer, but managed to overcome it, but a couple of months ago she had a nasty fall, and since had had trouble walking. The docotrs couldn't attribute the cause of all the complications until they decided to check for tumors, they ofund that new ones had formed in her spine and brain.
It was pretty clear that she wouldn't bounce back after that, there were problems but it's pointless to really go into them.
Long story short, she was in pain, it's over now. I'll miss her, but in a way it's better then knowing she's in pain. I took the news pretty hard this morning, my dad pretty much just told me and left for work, then my manager called me in early. I decided to go ahead and try working since I didn't feel like being home alone. After about 2 hours they sent me home, I couldn't really keep it together. I tried calling a couple people for company but no one answered, which in retrospect is for the best, since I really just needed some time alone.
I ended up at the pier, where I jumped into the ocean in my work clothes.
I splashed, cried, screamed, laughed, and repeated. An old man who was sunbathing witnessed my little meltdown and then I came home.
Since then it's been a little easier every minute.

and she wondered what I came for

2007-10-24T16:19:14Z

she being Brand

she being Brand

-new;and you
know consequently a
little stiff i was
careful of her and(having

thoroughly oiled the universal
joint tested my gas felt of
her radiator made sure her springs were O.

K.)i went right to it flooded-the-carburetor cranked her

up,slipped the
clutch(and then somehow got into reverse she
kicked what
the hell)next
minute i was back in neutral tried and

again slo-wly;bare,ly nudg. ing(my

lev-er Right-
oh and her gears being in
A 1 shape passed
from low through
second-in-to-high like
greasedlightning)just as we turned the corner of Divinity

avenue i touched the accelerator and give

her the juice,good

(it

was the first ride and believe i we was
happy to see how nice she acted right up to
the last minute coming back down by the Public
Gardens i slammed on

the
internalexpanding
&
externalcontracting
brakes Bothatonce and

brought allofher tremB
-ling
to a:dead.

stand-
;Still)

ee cummings

Please pardon the mess, we’re renovating.

2007-10-07T07:57:48Z

Life to date has been rather productive. Major differences between me right now and me two weeks ago:
-car and license
-new job (if everything goes well I should be a salad chef at salad creations. I will get to wear a funny hat.)
-registered into north campus (when I start classes is still up for debate though)

Things are strange, my mom is leaving for two months to go and visit and care for my grandma, dad and I will be left to fend for ourselves. She is currently fighting a cancer that has spread to both her spine and brain, needless to say this has been really puttting my mom on edge, especially so close after Gus leaving.
SO I've been making the best effort to make positive changes in roder to prove to her before she leaves that she can go without our world falling apart. And while I truly believe this, I wish I liked my father more, (or at least attempted to like him with the same conviction I once had). But I've simply become complacent to the fact that we're opposites, not in the quirky odd couple way, since our mannerisms and tempers are so similar. It's more of our passions and principles that are totally different, so while we can be sociable we've never been close.

I guess this post is less centered on the events around me as opposed to their effects. Like an introvertive pep talk. In short, here's to my grandmother not dying, to my dad not making me kill him, my mom becuase she's being brave, my brother for being even braver, and to the hope of starting slow and ending strong.
In short, here's to growing the fuck up.

Read me, I miss you!

2007-10-01T05:10:58Z

I recently spent a weekend at FSU, Christa gave me a journal as a gift. Very sweet, and it’s got Buddha which makes it my style, only problem is now I own two. So I have decided one will be for writing while the one she gave to me is to be for more abstract collages of my day, if any of them turn out all right maybe I’ll scan them in. As for this journal, it’s less of an outlet and more of a declaration of existence, my way of letting those I don’t see in person know that I’m still alive.
All right, so I’m still not in classes, I hope to be registered for BCC’s second semester, I realize I’m falling behind, or rather have been falling behind, but it’s all rope-a-dope, I’ll be back in the last round (bet most of you didn’t realize I’m a closet boxing fan). I’ll be signing up as an English major, but I expect it to change., I just have so little direction, yesterday I wanted to do books on tape for a living, today I fancied being an architect for all of forty-five minutes.
Quick question- What do you want to be when you grow up?/What do you want me to be?

A current update on the other things-
Piercings- 6
Tattoos- 4
I miss- My brother. Very much.
I want- To appear in another Daruma comic before I die.
I love- My girlfriend, my family
I “love”- How my bed sheets felt when I pulled them out of the dryer today, realizing I’ve gone all day without a cigarette, and that Jodie Foster movie I saw tonight where she went apeshit and shot everyone.